Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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