Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
