So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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