whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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