the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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