I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So squirting runs in the family.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
