babies were throwing up all over the place
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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