Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
