ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize