i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
