My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
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