I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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