I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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