He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
