If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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