I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
