i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We had sex on a dog bed..
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
