my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
