It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize