Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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