I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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