I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
