it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
