I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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