I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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