I need to stop coming to work sober
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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