I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
