The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
