please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
