I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
