When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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