I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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