saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
