i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize