i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
