Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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