i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
