so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize