Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
