You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
