i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Randomize
