You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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