I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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