By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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