I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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