Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
