Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
