i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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