i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
