i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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