i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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