he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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