The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
