Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
