Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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