There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
