dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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