Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
