I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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