I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
