I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize