you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
