Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I need moral support for this bender
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
